"Paramedic. Con Artist. SWAT Officer. SWAT Specialist. Hand Ninja Ranged. Hand Ninja Hand to Hand."

I work as a computer programmer for a software company in Rockville that specializes in government contracts. Our major contract right now is for the Treasury department. That's just about all I can tell you. Needless to say, if it's for the Treasury department there's a lot of financial knowledge and procedures that we not only have to know, we have to understand.

"Destiny. Mystique."

So today I find myself in a lunchtime 'brown bag' meeting where we're discussing financials. Our head financial analyst, Lauren, is running the meeting. Lauren's pretty knowledgeable in her job. Not only that, Lauren LOVES that she's knowledgeable in the job. Lauren is the only one in the entire building that understands every minute detail of the financial procedures for our software application. And she knows it. This meeting is a 'download' of sorts. A series of lectures where Lauren shares her knowledge and in so doing makes us better at what we're supposed to be doing.

"Madame Masque. Mandarin. Crimson Dynamo. Iron Man."

Needless to say, it's extremely important that I attend this meeting and I come away with full understanding of what we discuss. I can't let any factors get in the way of this. My very job could depend on it. Clothes and toys for my kids, medical insurance, money for the comic collection. I MUST stay employed. I must make myself more than valuable to my company.

"Task Master. Scorpion."

I bring a huge jug of tea with me to work today. My strategy is to be so hyped on caffeine by the time the meeting starts that I'll put so much energy into what I'm doing that it's unreal how my dedication to the job will shine through every pore of my being.

"Daredevil. Typhoid Mary."

What am I doing ten minutes into the meeting? Am I hanging on Lauren's every word? Am I madly scribbling notes down in my notepad? Am I carefully considering the impact that these financial procedures will have on the code I have to write and maintain?

"Abomination. Doc Sampson."

No. I'm so full of my own nervous energy that I'm listing all the characters included in the latest HeroClix release, Xplosion. I'm grouping the characters into subsets that make sense only to me. I'm taking notes on something that I've already got listed on an Excell spreadsheet both at home and at work. I'm doing what I've always done with excess energy in a classroom situation; I'm making hobby-related lists on my notepad of things I know backwards and forwards anyway. I'm goofing off.

The energy and drive that Lauren uses to speak at these meetings is truly phenomenal. She's animated to say the least. Give anyone some time to speak about a subject on which they are the authority, and you'll get passion. Lauren was sprinkling special emphasis on certain words throughout her speech. We would get the occasional "FEES" shouted at the top of her lungs and a couple of sentences away would be "THE. DEBT. BALANCE." It was truly inspirational. But it wasn't comic related so like some kind of giant jackass I couldn't keep my head in place.

"Collossus. Shadowcat. Storm."

I wasn't the only one that couldn't keep focused. I was probably the only one that couldn't keep focused and was still supremely stressed out about it. I sneezed once. Jay from across the table woke up with a jerk of the head and Jeff's tilting chair slammed back to the floor.

I've been drinking tea this entire time. Out of my mega-sized Wonder Woman mug, natch. The very substance that was supposed to help me with this meeting has me jittery from head to toe and unable to think about anything but HeroClix. And to top that off... now I have to pee.

"Beast. Iceman."

"You have to take a minute to consider the enormity of the COMPLEXITIESSSSS." Lauren craned her neck forward; fixed her steely eyes at Brian in the corner, and let her last 's' on 'complexities' linger for about thirty whole seconds. And she pulls it all off like it's top-notch professional and normal. I wouldn't be able to do it without cracking up. At one point, I looked up from my list of Xplosion HeroClix figures and she was illustrating the file communication process by making an invisible column in the air with one hand that seemed to be coming out of her other hand. I went back to my list.

"Gambit. Psylocke. Boom-Boom."

No matter how hard my obsession with HeroClix is, I'm still no good at it. Just last night, I lost yet another game to my wife Lorie. The kids went down to bed and we went into my Comic Book Sanctuary to finish off the 700 point DC HeroClix game we had started several nights previous. I'm the one that can list all the pieces of all the different sets. I'm the one that knows the powers and team abilities inside and out. I'm the one that's memorized all the character stats and possible team-up combinations. She's the one that always wins. She just comes to the table with no preconceived notions, half the time lets me build a team for her, and still she wins. Every. Time. I'm hoping that she'll win my much-coveted Aquaman Limited Edition piece at the next DC tournament that we play.

"TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS!" I look up and Lauren's hands are in the air over her head and she's shaking her fingertips like she's the boogieman at the Haunted House. She segues back into the point she was trying to make like everything couldn't be more normal. It looks to me like she did it just to wake Jay up again.

"I really have to pee. Thirty minutes left to this meeting. Wait! Now she's talking about the area of financials that relate to the defect I'm fixing. I should really take notes. Where's my notepad? Oh yeah... the HeroClix list. I'm down to just the unique pieces left. Okay..."

"Spider-Man. Green Goblin. Hulk. Leader. Elektra."

"Then that debt will accrue the PENALTY!" Lauren snaps me out of my HeroClix list. It's hard to concentrate on my list when she keeps shouting like that. NO... wait... I'm supposed to be concentrating on her. I push the list away from me and adjust in my seat. My hands are folded neatly in front of me and my face is dead square centered on hers. I've got twenty minutes to go. I have to pee like a Thanagarian Sludge-Worm.

Five minutes later. "Weapon X. Phoenix. Shadowcat Unique. Apockolypse. Sauron. Deathbird. Lady Deathstrike. Damn, I have to pee so bad. But that's twelve uniques. Okay, it's done. I've listed every character in the Xplosion set. Now I can concentrate on Lauren. If only I didn't have to pee so bad."

Steve has interrupted Lauren to clarify a point about the file transfer. Wait... he's mistaken and Lauren's clarifying Steve's clarification. Wait... now Jeff's in there and he's got another point to make entirely.

I look at the clock. Ten minutes to go.

WAIT! I've made a horrible mistake! I've listed twelve unique HeroClix pieces and twenty-seven standard HeroClix pieces! Everyone knows there are ninety-six pieces to the set, with three versions of the standard pieces. Ninety-six minus the twelve uniques is eighty-four. Eighty-four divided by three is twenty-eight. I've only listed twenty-seven standard pieces. I'M MISSING SOMEBODY!!!

Holy Moly! Forty characters total and I've only listed thirty-nine. So now I have to pee, figure out who the last piece is, pay full attention to Lauren, and make damn sure that none of her sudden outbursts make me pee in my pants.

"So when re-calculating the debt back into the system we have to closely monitor the FEE ACCRUAL!" Lauren screams 'fee accrual' like she's pulling the fire alarm. I almost pee my pants.

Who the heck am I forgetting in this list? I have to pee SO BAD.

"... And then that payment WILL NOT GET PROCESSED!!!" Lauren slams both fists down on the table.

"SILVER SAMURAI!" I yell out the last Xplosion piece and slap my own hand down on the table as if I'm practicing the 'old time religion' down at the Baptist church.

"Excuse me?" Lauren's blue eyes were stone cold gray as she looked at me. Lauren and I have worked together for three and a half years. She's more than used to me. As she stares at me, I try to look back with an honest and sincere look on my face but I can't because my eyes are watering and I think I'm sweating urine.

"Ummm..." I can feel my face flush scarlet. "Can I go to the bathroom?"

"No." Lauren doesn't even take a minute to consider. She turns back to her lecture. I'm screwed.

DCD

Copyright 2003 David Charles Dill Jr.